if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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