farters have to be the big spoon...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
