I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
