I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
