Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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