A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
