the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
