Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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