Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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