What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
