Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
