As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She bit a glass in half.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
