Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
