My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My liver just had a heart attack.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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