He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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