you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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