Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
