matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
