Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
