you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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