Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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