I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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