made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
