i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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