I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I would fuck him just for his dog
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
