god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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