Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
there's paper in my vomit.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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