I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
