I must be too annoying 4 u.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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