You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
