i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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