I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
