I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
