I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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