Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
