I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
