it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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