Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
