Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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