Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
