I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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