I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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