the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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