If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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