I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
