Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
