9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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