Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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