Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
