I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
