At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
