Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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