I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
