I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
